Life Before Death
by blacktears
Summary: A conversation, after death, about how different characters died. Meant to be humorous. please r&r.


Life Before Death    
  
  
  
Disclaimer: You probably know it by now, but here it is anyhow....None of these characters or stuff belong to me-they belong to JK Rowling. I don't have permission to use them-I'm not making money-don't sue me. Airheads (the candy) ALSO does not belong to me....same stuff applies. =)   
  
  
This is another "I'm bored" fic....it's not really serious, I know this could NEVER happen and that there are many inaccuracies in it, but thats okay, I should think. Just wrote it for fun....and because I felt like writing something with flashbacks, death and humor. =pbtw don't mean to insult anyone's views on death or anything. =) Enjoy, and please review.   
  
  


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# Life Before Death

**   


####  By Harmony 

  
  
Harry Potter opened his eyes to find himself seated at a round table, that, though it seemed quite small, seated perhaps a dozen. Confused, he glanced at the faces. Directly across from him was-Harry jumped and his seat nearly fell over. "You!" He gasped.   
  
Voldemort smiled, and for once there was nothing malicious in his face. "Sit back down, Harry," he invited.   
  
"Yeah," A hand tugging at Harry's sleeve accompanied Ron's voice. Harry spun, still confused, to find himself looking down at Ron's face.   
  
Ron had changed since Harry had last seen him-nearly five years ago, but despite the beard and darker hair, he was easily recognizable. "Ron?" Harry sat down as he continued to stare, incrediously at his old friend. "I thought you were a Quidditch ref in America....?"   
  
Ron grinned. "Oh, I was," he said, cheerfully. "But one of the players fell off his broom and the handle went right through my chest," he put one hand flat over his heart to illistrate, then played mock dead for a moment before shrugging.   
  
"You mean....." Harry gawked, then let his eyes roam around the table to see who else was there. "Aside from Ron and Voldemort, Hermione, Fred, George, Mrs. Weasly, Ginny and Sirius Black were seated at the table.   
  
"We're all dead?" George finished for Harry.   
  
"Of course," Fred continued his twin's thought. "Didn't you know?"   
  
"Uh..." Harry paused. "well, sorta..."   
  
"Harry, dear," Mrs. Weasly leaned over and patted Harry's arm. "Tell us what happened..."   
  
"Okay," Harry said as Hermione drew her wand out and cued the flashback.   
  
FLASHBACK   
  
Harry Potter walked down the main street of the newest wizard town, Cagmare, and scowled at all the whispers and stares that he got. He had figured by the time he reached thirty years old, people would stop noticing him as much-or his lightning scar would fade a LITTLE bit.   
  
He paused to look in a book store-and straighten his shoulder length hair. He began to walk again, when his eye caught sight of a book in the store's window.   
  
The book was large and leather-bound, with a picture of a pretty woman on the cover, and the words title Concealing Spells. Harry considered for a moment. *Maybe there's a spell in there that could hide this damned scar!* He thought as he entered the store.   
  
The young witch at the front desk glanced up as Harry entered and almost fell off her chair when she noticed the scar on her customer's forehead. "You're Harry Potter!" She gasped, coming to shake his head.   
  
Harry nodded, tiredly, and waited until the woman had backed away somewhat, wringing her hands. "Hi, I'm looking to get that book of concealing spells thats displayed in the window....?"   
  
The woman qawked for a moment then nodded. "Of course, Harry Potter," she said and scurried over to a shelf and selected the book that the famous man wanted. "Here you go..." she offered it to him. "Thats one sickle..."   
  
Harry payed the witch and apperated home.   
  
Harry sat down on his couch and opened the large book. It was magically indexed so all he had to do was tap it with his wand while thinking of his intentions. He moved his wand out of the way and watched as the pages flipped open to the needed page.   
  
Harry quickly read the spell. It seemed to be an easy one! he stood up and lay the book to one side.   
  
"Okay," Harry muttered to himself as he twirled his wand between two fingers. "Here goes nothing...." He pointed the wand at his scar. "Concealum!"   
  
END FLASHBACK   
  
"You did WHAT???" Mrs. Weasly said loudly, then laughed. "Oh, Harry! Silly boy....you must have used too much power! I've used that spell, your only supposed to HOLD your wand! Pointing it....really!" She chuckled.   
  
Harry blushed a deep red and look around at the other people seated at the table. "How did you guys die then?" He asked, feeling somewhat annoyed that Ron's mother was laughing at his death.   
  
Hermione glanced at Harry, then tapped Fred with her wand. "Here, you go next,"   
  
FLASHBACK   
  
"Hmmmm...." Fred lifted one of the colorful candies and ran his fingers over the plain wrapper. "Don't you think that we should test these things?" He asked his twin brother George.   
  
"Yeah," George said, survaying the line of products before him. "But on who?"   
Fred frowned considering, as did his brother. Then suddenly their eyes locked and they both grinned brighter. "Percy." They said together.   
  
Fred grabbed one of their "airhead" candies (the original idea taken from a muggle food that the twins had seen in a store), while George stuffed his pockets full of their other treats.   
  
"Think he'll like it at work?" George asked, grinning boardly. With that as a cue, the twins apparated to the office Percy shared in the Minestry of Magic.   
  
The office was luckily empty, but it was somewhat dark. Fred made the tip of his wand glow for light, and the twins slipped one of the candies into Percy's mailbox. "Hold on," George said, just before Fred was going to turn the light out. George quickly wrote a note and stuck it with the candy.   
  
Fred grinned and let the light go out, then both he hand his brother tranformed into pencils in order to see if their latest invention worked.   
  
The Weasly twins had to wait around for a while before Percy entered the office. Percy turned on a light with his wand and sat down in his chair. He picked George up (as a pencil of course) and reached for the top thing on his pile of papers. It was George's note.   
  
The two pencils waited anxiously as the note was read and Percy picked up the paper. Percy frowned slightly, as if in confusion, but took up the twin's candy and peeled the wrapper off of it. The candy was a bright yello and of a smooth texture. Percy carefully bit into one corner. Nothing happened.   
  
The pencils frowned slightly as Percy finished the candy and picked George up again. He took George and started writing a letter out, in response to the candy, probably. He didn't get very far; almost immediately the tip of the pencil broke off.   
  
Fred gasped, wondering if George was okay. He was going to transform back into his regular self when Percy picked HIM up! Percy started to write. It felt like he was trying to write with Fred's head! Fred anxiously waited for his brother to stop-he couldn't tranform back the way he was!   
  
Suddenly Percy gasped. His head was filling with air and floating away! Angry, now suspecting the truth behind the candy, Percy hit the pecnil he was holding against the desk, snapping it in two.   
  
END FLASHBACK   
  
"You died as PENCILS?" Harry gasped, watching the Weasly twins, who smiled and nodded.   
  
"Yeah," George started.   
  
"But Percy with his head floating away..." Fred started laughing and his brother quickly joined in.   
  
Mrs. Weasly frowned at her sons. "Really, boys, thats awful! What if it couldn't be reversed?"   
  
"All the better!" Fred chimed happily.   
  
"FRED!" Mrs. Weasly said with a glare.   
  
"Uh, how'd you die, mom?" Ron interjected quickly. Apparently, he knew that tone of voice.   
  
Mrs. Weasly glared at her sons for a moment longer, then nodded. "All right. Hermione, dear, would you?"   
  
FLASHBACK   
  
Mrs. Weasly was surprisingly happy to be home alone. With all her sons off working elsewhere, Ginny pursuing a modeling career in America and her husband at the Ministry, the house was blissfully quiet.   
  
Mrs. Weasly was putting around the kitchen. She pointed her wand at the stove and it was magickally cleaned. She glanced at it, smiling at how well it was done, when she suddenly saw it: a big, red spot.   
  
Mrs. Weasly frowned at the evil spot and tapped it with her wand. It didn't even fade.   
  
"Well!" The plump mother humphed. "I'll get rid of you yet!" she promises, shaking her wand at the red blotch.   
  
Mrs. Weasly crossed the kitchen to where several books were. "Lets see what Lockhart has to say about spots," she spoke to herself and pulled a book from the shelf, the handsome man on it's cover smiling and waving enthusistically. "He may have lost his memory, but he still had plenty of helpful information...." She opened the book and flipped through the pages. "Aha!" she shouted, finding what she wanted.   
  
Mrs. Weasly put the book back on the shelf, and stalked back over to the stove. "Spoticus Outicus!" She shouted, tapping the spot with her wand. Nothing happened. With a growl, Mrs. Weasly leaned closer and tried again, with the same results.   
  
"Whats wrong with this?!" Mrs. Weasly shouted, laying the tip of her wand on the spot and leaning in so her face was mere inches away from it. "Spoticus Outicus!" She growled. The spot exploded in her face.   
  
END FLASHBACK   
  
"Aw, mom," Ron whined. "We TOLD you that Lockhart was a phoney! Why did you even TRY one of his spells?"   
  
"I know, dear," Mrs. Weasly said. "But, he was such a NICE man.....and he seemed to know his stuff in the PAST..."   
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione snorted with laughter.   
  
"Whos next?" Sirius asked, glaring at Ron and his mother. They had been through that arguement at least a dozen times since Sirius's death, and he didn't need to hear it again.   
  
"I'll go," Ginny's soft voice interjected.   
  
Harry glanced over at the beautiful young woman and found himself blushing for once. She glanced at him and smiled, then Hermione's wand was there.   
  
FLASHBACK   
  
"Ginny," Ginny Weasly looked up as her agent and friend, Charron Breakie entered the room.   
  
Ginny smiled. "Yes, Charron?   
  
Charron pushed his dark glasses up onto his head. "Here, Gin," He passed her a magazine. "The latest edition of TeenWitch."   
  
Ginny looked down at the cover and sighed. The cover was a picture of her, her dark red hair slung over one shoulder, smiling and waving slightly. "Gods, they just HAD to use this picture, didn't they?"   
  
Charron frowned slightly and glanced at the magazine in the model's hands. "i think it's good," he admitted.   
  
Ginny smiled, and stood. "Thank you. Was there anything else right now? I wanted to finish this book,"   
  
"Just your mail, hundreds of owls, as usual." Charron passed Ginny two bags and a single letter. "I sorted through the fan mail," he hefted the bags higher so she could see. "This letter was the only one from someone personal."   
  
"Thanks, hon," Ginny took the letter from him and smiled. "It's from my brother, Bill," she told him. I'll save this to read tonight.....give me one of those bags," her agent passed her one of the sacks of fan mail.   
  
With the use of her wand, Ginny opened the bag and took a letter out. "Hmm....it's from Slivia Jornack..." she nearly broke out laughing at the name of the famous star. "I wonder what SHE wants..." Ginny tore the partchment open.   
  
There was one word written on the paper: SLUT! Ginny frowned and held it up for Charron to see.   
  
Charron was about to take the letter from his friend when it, quite suddenly, emetted and awful smell. "Ugh!" he said, backing away.   
  
"Eww!" Ginny dropped the letter and cautiously sniffed her hand. The smell was so strong, that she couldn't breathe and passed out.   
  
END FLASHBACK   
  
"You were killed by a SMELL, Ginny?" Harry asked, staring at the girl in astonishment.   
  
Now Ginny blushed, and nodded slightly. "Stupid, I know," she said then shrugged helplessly.   
  
Harry shook his head slightly, then smiled. "Now who? Sirius?"   
  
Sirius shrugged, and held up a hand to stop Hermione's wand. "Mine isn't much of a flashback, I'm afraid," he said. The other dead people at the table nodded for him to continue. "In fact, it's not much of a story at all...."   
  
"Well, tell it anyhow," Harry insisted.   
  
"Okay," Harry's godfather said with another shrug. "Basically.....I got in a fight with a dog and he killed me." The wizard grinned. "Not that the other dog ESCAPED or anything.....he's dead too."   
  
Harry waited for his godfather to say more, and when he didn't he stared at Sirius in astonishment. "Thats IT?"   
  
Sirius nodded. "I told you it was kind of boring."   
  
Harry opened his mouth to reply but was intercepted by Voldemort. "I'll go next."   
  
Harry stared at his old nemesis with a mixture of suspicion and disbelief. "It's okay, Harry," Hermione spoke up. "Listen to his story-you'll understand then..."   
  
Harry relectantly nodded and waited while Hermione cast the flashback spell.   
  
FLAHSBACK   
  
Lord Voldemort sat in a dark room with several of his most loyal death eaters, plotting the demise of Harry Potter and the world in general when an idea came to him. He stood, his black robe brushing the ground, and smiled evilly.   
  
"Faeries." He announced in a low voice.   
  
"Huh?" Was the general response of the death eaters.   
  
"Faeries and faery magic." The dark lord explained. "I will get a faery to destroy young Potter for me......" Before his followers had a chance to reply, Voldemort had apparated to a faery forest.   
  
The forest was dark and so Voldemort used his wand to create a small globe of light, just enough so that he could see the nearly invisable faeries. As soon as the light appeared, the dark lord jumped. He was surrounded by the fluttering sprites!   
  
"Ha!" He said softly. "This is TOO easy!" His wand whiped out and entrapped one of the small faeries in a ball of energy. The faery cried out in a shrill voice as Voldemort drew the ball close to his face. "Now," he said, smiling at the captive faery. "You will help me,"   
  
The words were barely out of the wizard's mouth before dozens of faeries started attacking him-not physically, but he could feel their magic striking at his.   
  
"ARGH!" Voldemort screamed. The faeries were tougher than they seemed! He started building up a spell to work against them, when the world went black.   
  
END FLASHBACK   
  
"That's it?" Harry asked. "That doesn't explain anything...."   
  
"No, thats not it!" Hermione said, sounding irritated. "Just pay attention!" she flicked her wand again.   
  
FLASHBACK   
  
Voldemort opened his eyes feeling refreashed and better than he had in many many years. He sat up. He was on the forest floor. He remembered exactly what his plan was, but he was no longer inclined to follow through with it. In fact, he didn't want anything else to do with the dark arts!   
  
The wizard gained his feet and lifted his wand which had fallen near him. "Thank you, faeries," he said to the unseen sprite, who chittered in return.   
  
Then, after straightening his robes, the old dark lord apparated to Hogsmead with the intentions of giving the death eaters away to the ministry of magic.   
  
When Voldemort appeared in the middle of the street, there were several shouts of surprise, recognition and anger. He smiled at the cowering people. "Hello!" he called, still feeling slightly high from the faeries personality reverse spell. "Don't be afraid of me! I'm just on my way to see some ministry people."   
  
Voldemort turned and started walking up the street, so his back was turned to the wizard that cast the spell. Voldemort heard no words, but a bright, green light engulfed him.   
  
END FLASHBACK   
  
Harry stared at the old dark lord in amazement. Voldemort just smiled back. "You see, Harry?" Voldemort said, amiably. "I'm all right-you don't need to fear me-no one does."   
  
"Uh...." Harry forced a smile then quickly changed the subject. "What about you, Hermione? How did you die?"   
  
Hermione's pale face turned a deep raddish color and she mumbled something so quietly that Harry couldn't make it out.   
  
"Huh?"   
  
Ron leaned over. "She's embarrassed and doesn't like to talk about it," he whispered to his friend. "She was eaten by a book."   
  
Harry's eyes bugged out. "HUH?" Hermione blushed even deeper and tried to disapear.   
  
Ron smiled and shrugged.   
  
Harry swallowed, finally getting the hint. "Uh, yeah..." he said, with another forced smile. "Soooo....what do we do here?"   
  
"Oh, anything, dear, anything." Mrs. Weasly said with a smile. "Personally, I like to knit......Hermione there is writing a lovely book on life after death," Harry glanced over at Hermione who did have a parchment and quill out. "The twins do God knows what and Voldemort, Sirius and Ron do a lot....." She smiled again.   
  
"Hey Harry," Ron said tapping has wand on the table. "Chess?"   
  
"Sure," Harry said with a grin. Life after death wasn't too bad.....   
  
THE END =) =) =)   
  



End file.
